Friday Fear

Most people look forward to Fridays - the end of the work week, the start of the weekend. Not me, not this week at least, because this Friday is February 1, and is the first weigh-in day since I began my very long walk. I am able to look back over the month and know that I've done far better than usual in terms of diet, exercise, and overall health, but all my life I've had small successes and larger failures, and I'm terrified.

What I can't decide is if I'm more afraid of failure or success. Failure - to lose weight, to lose inches, to see progress on my goals - would be crushing, but would still be a familiar feeling. Success, on the other hand, has been so rare that it would be suspect. And the fear is even more subtle than that; a small success may still be disappointing, given the far greater effort I've put into these goals, but a large success raises suspicion that it isn't truthful, that there might be some mitigating factors affecting the outcome, that the good result will not last.

That said, I'm not out of tricks yet. I've walked more than 70 miles this month and bettered my diet and the meals I cook for my family, but there are additional steps that can still be taken. The month may be ending, but the journey is still only just beginning.

And come what may, one day from now, the month's fear will pass as well - all things in time.