Weight of the Walk

The icy grip continues its stranglehold, and the intense cold weighs heavily on me. Not only does it make walking more difficult - even the few minutes to walk to the gym can be piercingly painful in this bitterness - but this is the season when a lot of heavy thoughts weigh on my mind. Part of my spiritual journey is addressing them, and I am doing my best. As my loving husband and soul mate recently put it, however "a pat on the back for a broken spine does nothing." With the horrors of the past decade, my spine is more than broken - shattered, shredded, and eviscerated would only show the physical damage. Ironically, the nerves within - the emotions - have gone numb to great pain, but to recover I must energize them again.

But how? I've opened myself to this pain too many times, and each instance stabs deeper. That in itself has strengthened me, as I am forced to move on despite the pain, but what good are emotions when they are focused on the negative? I need to find more positive emotions, to relearn that it is all right to feel good.

I'm not saying I never feel good; some days are certainly much better, but the glowing moods last far shorter than the shadowed ones. When I look out and see the vibrancy of the landscape weighted down by mountains of white powder and crystalline ice, I can't help but feel more shadowed. How many miles must I walk to reenter the glowing light?

I'm not yet far along enough in my journey to discuss the details of my pain, but each step brings me closer. Walk with me, and you'll discover that your pain is not alone, as I hope to discover myself.